Escape From Alcatraz
by niko56
Summary: While in San Francisco, Kim and Shego are accidentally arrested and being held at the reopened Alcatraz prison, now a retrofitted girls penitentiary where no one escapes. Knowing their innocence they must rely on each other and their new friends to help them escape from the sadistic and narcissistic warden, while Ron tries from the outside. A parody of Hogan's Heroes R&R! Mild Kigo
1. Welcome to the Rock

**Disclaimer: I know nothing, I see nothing, I own nothing!**

**Synopsis: While in San Francisco, Kim and Shego are accidentally arrested and being held at the reopened Alcatraz prison, where no one escapes. Knowing their innocence they must rely on each other and their new friends to help them escape, while Ron tries from the outside. A parody of Hogan's Heroes. R&amp;R!**

* * *

_**Escape From Alcatraz**_

**Welcome to the Rock**

San Francisco. The city by the bay. Its home to clean streets, sprawling skyscrapers, an internationally recognized seafood destination, and of course, the infamously inglorious island prison known as Alcatraz. A place once housing such inmates as Al Capone, Machine-gun Kelly, and then some...

But we'll get to that in a bit.

In the city by the bay, our favorite redheaded teenage save-the-world heroine and her goofy sidekick/boyfriend, were hot on the tail of their two most notable foes, Drakken and Shego. They were attempting to escape via their hovercraft through the hilly streets.

Unfortunately for them, the Hovercraft took some hits and could only hover so high, meaning they'd have to weave through just above the streets to escape, a tough break that would lead to be their downfall.

Drakken was driving while simultaneously gazing at the computer chip he and his green skinned co-thwart recently liberated from the hands of goody-two-shoes software technicians. "Look at it, Shego. Isn't it marvelous?"

"Yeah-sure, ooh-aah." she sarcastically mused. "Now what sure-to-fail take over the world scheme are we going to use this little piece of silicon for? Go ahead, humor me."

"Erg." Drakken winced. "It's not going to fail, Shego! In fact, this will be-"

"-My greatest plan, yet!" Shego mocked, finishing his sentence.

"Don't believe me, huh? Well, with this chip created by the good folks at Ultrasoft, we can harness its cryptic energy, to command every single IP address in the world, and hold the Internet hostage!" Drakken shouted.

"Wow, your schemes have finally made it to the twenty-first century, way to go doc."

"Shego! Must you be sarcastic whilst I'm winding my way through the streets?"

"No-no, that wasn't sarcasm." Shego assured him...sarcastically. "Except you did over look one little detail about your plan."

"And what would that be?" the mad scientist asked.

"Them!" Shego pointed to an approaching Kim and Ron, pursuing them via hover skateboards.

"Oh please! Those two and their _Back to the Future _skateboards are no match for our hovercraft!"

"Uh, aren't they, just the same thing...in skateboard form?" Shego asked.

"...Shut-up, Shego."

Kim and Ron on the other hand were quickly approaching the duo on their hovering skateboards created by Wade. They were right On Drakken's tail, weaving in and out of the traffic of cars, buses, and cable cars.

"And they said we'd have to wait till 2015 for these bad boys!" Ron stated, referring to the skateboards.

"Yeah, still waiting on the cars that run on soda!" Kim mused.

"Details-details KP!"

"Come on Ron, speed it up! They're gonna run out of street eventually!"

"I'm coming!"

Shego took notice that the couple was gaining.

"They're gaining!"

"So? What do I pay you for? Get rid of them, Shego!"

"Can d—wait, you don't pay me." She added with a retort.

Before Drakken could give a hasty rebut, they got sidetracked by Kim leaping onto the side of the hovercraft. "Gah! Shego! Just get rid of her!"

"Fine, but we are sooooo addressing this later!"

Shego's hands lit up and she began to fire at Kim still hanging onto the side of the hovercraft, trying to avoid Shego's energy blasts. Drakken tried to pick up speed and weave more in and out of traffic, but the redhead was undaunted.

"Ugh! I feel like a bull that just can't buck off the rider!" Shego groused.

"Get used to it, Shego!" Kim smirked.

The green skinned girl saw an opportunity, Ron was still on the approach, but at a distance manageable enough to hit with a blast. Seizing the opportunity, Shego offered Kim an evil grin and with one energy blast, knocked Ron right off of his hoverboard.

"RON!" Kim shouted.

The blonde boy stumbled over himself, he had been hurt worse. "It's okay KP! I'm fine! Just get Drakken!" Ron had comically stumbled into an Italian restaurant, stopping woozily right in front of the maître' d.

"Table for one please, gar-con." Ron slurred. "Goodnight!" and then hit the ground. Rufus emerged from his pocket, trying to wake Ron up with some smelling salts.

Back outside, heeding his wish, Kim continued, leaping into the hovercraft. "Well, that didn't work." Shego deadpanned.

"Now you've done it, Shego!"

"Oh please, I'm sure he's taken far worse blows to the head, especially from me."

"That's not the point!" Kim lunged at Shego, and the two of them rolled around in the hovercraft trying to beat each other, which was distracting Drakken. The blue skinned self proclaimed evil genius angrily turned around to address the two, taking his eyes off the road-er, sky.

"Hey! If you two don't mind, I'm trying to drive here!" The two stopped and their eyes went wide. "That's better. Now if you'll excuse me I'm trying to-"

"Dr. D!" Shego yelled

"What is it, what, what, what, what?"

"In front of you!" Kim pointed.

"Huh?" Drakken looked in front of him to see his careless eye wandering was sending the hovercraft careening into a street light. Knowing impact was inevitable, Drakken sighed and proclaimed: "Why is it me? Why is it always me?"

The hovercraft crashed into the street light, sending Drakken through the streets, and into a sewer that was being worked on, a fitting punishment. Shego and Kim had crashed through the window of a restaurant, and resumed fighting upon them hitting the ground.

"My window!" the manager screamed.

Shego and Kim rolled into a few tables and chairs, knocking them to pieces, not realizing the place was half destroyed. Shego broke apart a table leg to use as a weapon, while Kim proceeded to use her own brand of martial arts.

"My tables! My customers!" The manager shouted, as his frightened patrons ran from the restaurant.

Shego knocked Kim into a display case with pastries and the like. The Teen heroine responded by throwing a cake into Shego's face and ambushing her while she couldn't see, and the two rolled around the floor.

"My pastries!" The manager complained, now sobbing on the floor.

Kim kicked Shego in the face after the two got neutral. The green skinned villain fought back with more energy blasts, making holes in the walls, and anywhere else not previously destroyed, just for good measure.

"My restaurant!" The manager sobbed.

"Clam it, fat man!" Shego groaned, leaving Kim on the floor to confront the manager. She grabbed him by the collar, as Kim was getting up to stop her. "I've had it with you and your constant complaining!"

"Freeze!" suddenly, four cops burst into the restaurant, guns drawn.

"Get stuffed! Can't you see no one's talking to you-you-you-you." Shego stuttered realizing who she was talking to. "Aw, nuts." defeated. She dropped the manager and threw up her hands.

"That's enough lip out of you!" the lead officer scolded her.

Another cop turned his attention to the manager. "We got a call about two deadbeats beating each other up in a restaurant...guess we came to the right place." he turned to another cop, a younger guy. "McCorkle, get the green one."

"Oh boy! I finally get to arrest someone." he said eagerly, slapping a pair of handcuffs on an annoyed Shego. "Okay, you have the right to...uh...uh-uh-t-the right to remain...aw crap what was it?"

"Remain silent." Shego sighed.

"Right, thanks. You have the right to remain silent, anything you...you-you say...you...say..."

"Anything you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law." Shego deadpanned.

"Oh thanks, I'm sorry, its my first time. Is it your first time too?" The officer asked.

"Look at me...does it look like my first time?" the girl complained.

"Hmm...no, not really." as he was about to drag Shego away.

"Hey! Sonny Jim, you forgot to read me the rest of my—oh you know what, we'll be here all day waiting for you, I'll do it! You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you?"

"Yes I do." the oblivious cop nodded.

"Wonderful." Shego sighed as she was taken outside.

Kim waved to Shego as she was led out. "Well Shego, if this villain thing doesn't work out you could always make it as a legal consultant."

Though Kim's victory was short lived, as the fourth cop slapped a pair of cuffs on her. "Wait, hey! What are you doing?" she tried to struggle.

"You're just as guilty as the green one!" the manager yelled, pointing a finger at Kim. "You both destroyed my livelihood!"

"It's no big, if you gimme a mop, and maybe some Spackle, I'll have this place looking good as new, I swear! I was trying to get her!" she motioned for Shego. "She was trying to steal a microchip!"

"Oh really, and where is this imaginary microchip?" the cop asked.

"Well its with Drakken who...must have...gotten...away." she realized.

Not buying it, the cop led a tearing up Kim outside. "Yeah, pull the other one. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law- McCorkle! Take notes! -You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them?"

He placed Kim in the back of the squad car right next to a smirking Shego. The ex-hero tried to hold back the tears as many people had surrounded the restaurant looking and taking pictures seeing Kim Possible in handcuffs. She tried to look away.

The two cops who arrested them jumped in the front of the squad car and seemed to be headed for the docks. "Did you really forget how to read someone their Miranda Rights, or do you just enjoy looking like some stupid idiot?"

"I'm sorry! I've never had to! I've never arrested anyone before."

"Hey, since Skippy over here never effectively read me my rights, does that mean I get to go?" Shego asked sarcastically.

"Nice try Green-hands! Besides, you said them for yourself anyway."

"I know, normally I'd take that opportunity, but, seeing goody-two-shoes-Kimmy here in chains just makes it that much more worth my while."

Kim look away, trying not to cry.

The squad car entered an enclosed wet dock right next to the bay. It appeared to be managed by the SFPD. A barge was waiting in the dock. It looked like a prison barge. The captain took notice as the officers got out of the car with their convicts.

"Hey-hey, is that little McCorkle?" the captain asked. "You saucy son of a gun! You finally arrested somebody!"

"I sort of, arrested somebody."

The two forced Kim and Shego onto the barge and placed them in seats across the aisle from each other. For additional restraint, their ankles were chained to the seats. After a few minutes of waiting for any more would-be convicts, the barge set sail into the bay. Aside from the driver, the only other person on board was a guard, armed with a Remington 870 he held by the barrel, with the stock resting on his right thigh.

Kim's sadness was slowly being replaced with regret, embitterment, and of course rage. Shego wanted to take advantage of this. "Hey, you know who that loser cop reminded me of?" Kim turned her head and shot Shego a glare. "Being clumsy, inept, and very bad at what he supposedly does...wonder who that could be—oh right, your boyfriend."

Kim struggled to get free to try to knock Shego into next week to no avail.

"Hey! Quiet down you two or I'll turn yous into Swiss cheese!" the guard scoffed, pumping the gun for good measure.

"No worries here, right Kimmy?"

Kim glared at her.

The rest of the ride was quiet to say the least. Neither girl knew where they were going and didn't particularly care for obvious reasons. Finally the boat stopped, and the barge was rushed by a couple of guards, both female who unshackled Kim and Shego and hurried them off the barge.

"Slow day, huh, Joe?" One of them asked the boat guard casually.

"Hey girl, I love slow days. Means people are following the law. Yo Shawna, whatcha chewing these days, I'm out."

"Grizzly straight, wanna pinch?"

"Don't mind if I do."

The girls adjusted their eyes to the sun as they were led onto the dock. They looked up onto the island to get a better view of the place. After they were adjusted it didn't take them long to see where they were.

"Wait."

"Does this mean?" the girls said, finishing the others sentence.

"That's right ladies, welcome to the Rock. Alcatraz Penitentiary!"

Shego's gleeful look quickly turned. Every American and most westerners know something about Alcatraz, and none of it good. Kim expressed an equally sour look while they were led off the dock and up the stairs to the processing building.

While they were being taken up the stairs, on one of the upper buildings, a shady figure watched the two enter from their office window. Their smile lit up once seeing the two considering their fame throughout the years...And they were all theirs.

The girls were stopped just outside the processing house to see someone looking down at them. Like the guards, it was a woman. She was tall, at least six feet, built like a tank, sporting a brown pixie cut and brown eyes. She had her arms crossed to look more intimidating.

Like the rest of the guards, she wore a tan-brown uniform except she had three gold chevrons on each arm, a matching cap, with a matching brown skirt, black boots, and a utility belt containing a tazer gun, tear gas grenades, night stick, hand restraints, radio, and a Sig Sauer P226.

"Welcome ladies to Alcatraz Penitentiary, where no one escapes." she stated ominously. "The names Gretchen Schultzman, I'm the sergeant-of-the-guard." her steely look turned into a smile. "Don't worry, I'm really a nice person, just don't cross me, and everything will be a-okay. Now come on, let's get you both processed. Would you like a room with a view?" she chuckled. "Get it, cause you know it's a prison, and the views pretty bad no matter where-"

"Yeah we get it." Shego snapped.

"Ah, its just a joke I play on all the newbies." Gretchen added. "Come on, let's get you both processed."

As the two entered the processing house, which seemed to be an added on building since the prison reopened, from a second floor balcony, a shrill voice called down to the three. "Gretchen! Gretchen! Did you hear me Schultzman!?"

"Ugh, what does she want?" Gretchen muttered, turning to face the balcony. "Something I can do for you, Kommandant?" she asked.

"Those two the new prisoners?"

"Of course."

"Excellent, bring them to my office immediately."

"But-but kommandant, they haven't been processed yet."

"I don't care, bring them to me now, or you're next assignment will be clearing icicles at a Siberian prison!"

Gretchen gulped. "C-c-c-c-coming!"

A confused Kim and Shego were led to said person's office. It was rather large with a massive bay window in the back, with a solid oak desk behind the window with a ton of stuff laying on it. Kim and Shego were plopped into two chairs in front of the desk, while the person in question stood facing the window.

"You're dismissed, sergeant." the girl stated.

"Yes ma'am." Gretchen saluted and went to wait outside in the outer office.

The girl turned around with an evil grin. Her hair was blonde, and curly, going just passed her shoulder blades. She had the bluest of eyes. She also oddly enough sported a monocle in her left eye, and held a riding crop. She had a similar dress to the guards except it seemed more formal, and she wore pants. The girl sat on top of her desk, facing her new and perhaps her most important prisoners.

"Well, well, well. Look what the proverbial cat dragged in. Shego. Scourge of the criminal underworld. And Kim Possible, the famous teenage world saver." she said in exposition.

"Yup, that's me. Kim Possible. Completely good and innocent, and totally not a criminal."

"Cute." the girl mused. "Now, before you ask me the questions: 'why am I here, why is this place reopened' I'll just say it to spare time, then we'll get to the good stuff." the girl began. "Our fair city, in all its wisdom, decided holding prisoners in police custody was getting too financially unfeasible and escape risks were high. They decided to pick a place as a central detention holding facility pending trials and to be used as an actual prison...but where to build such a place? Oh, I know, why not reopen Alcatraz! How's that for a segway?" she continued. "So, three years, forty-eight million dollars, and a whole lotta red tape later, and Alcatraz was reopened as a full functioning modern prison."

"So, let me guess, you're the warden, right?" Shego asked.

"That's me. Colonel Wilhelmina Klink." she introduced herself, prompting a chuckle from Shego. "Something funny about my name, Ms. Go?"

"Seriously? Your-your real last name's Klink?"

"Yes." Wilhelmina said getting annoyed.

"Ya didn't just...change it after you got the job?"

"Nooooooo."

"And I suppose the riding crop and monocle aren't just for show either, are they?" Shego sarcastically asked.

"I have bad sight in one eye, sue me." Klink scoffed, rubbing off her monocle with a felt rag. "And by the way, you both as my prisoners will address me as Kommandant or Kommandant Klink, got it?"

Shego nearly fell over laughing. "Oh come ooooooon! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Huh, I didn't think I hit her on the head that hard." Kim shrugged.

"Seriously! You're the warden of a prison, your name's Klink-"

"Colonel Wilhelmina Klink, I was in the Air Force!"

"And you have a riding crop, a monocle, your sergeant-of-the-guard is a tough but well meaning slop named Schultz-man? Come on! Is-is this real? Are we on a reality show? Come on, where's the hidden cameras?"

"ENOUGH!" Wilhelmina boomed. "You will treat me with respect or you'll find yourself in the cooler! Understood?"

Shego stopped and nodded, being visibly scared by the voice. Kim did the same.

"Good...now, what was it that brought you two into my humble prison, hmm?" she asked.

"Well I was trying to stop HER, from stealing a microchip but we...accidentally happened to destroy a restaurant in the process of fighting." Kim said a bit guiltily.

"HEY! That schmuck said you can remain silent! SILENCE!" Shego warned Kim.

"Look Wilh-I mean, Kommandant, this is really a big misunderstanding I swear we can work this out."

"Oh Kim I'm sure you will, after you both pay your debt to society, it'll all work out." Wilhelmina said in a condescending tone.

"Don't we at least get one phone call?" Kim asked.

"She can have mine. The only person I'd call is currently swimming in a sewer." Shego sighed.

"You'll get your phone call after being processed." Wilhelmina took two small objects from a desk drawer. "You, the gloves, lose them!" she ordered Shego.

"No way I'm not gonna-HEY!"

Wilhelmina tore Shego's gloves off of her and threw a small ring on each ring finger. "Hey, what the...what did you do?" Shego asked, struggling to get the rings off to no avail.

"You see, I have a list of famous crooks I've wished to be the warden of, and you happen to be on said list. I've studied you and I've learned that your little energy blasts can be controlled with an energy depressant ring, which will null any chance you have of blasting me or anyone. And the rings cannot be removes unless I activate them with this remote." Wilhelmina explained waving it in the air to taunt Shego.

"Erg...erg! I'll get you for this!"

"Sure you will. I feel I should warn the both of you that if you have any plans of escaping, forget them. No one ever escapes from Alcatraz, and no one ever will...get it?"

Defeated, the two nodded.

"Good. Now, you both will remain here pending your trial."

"Which will be when? I know the Constitution, we have a right to a fair and speedy trial." Kim reminded Wilhelmina.

"Right, speedy, mmm-hmm. Yeah, our court system is pretty backed up...could take days...weeks...months even." Wilhelmina smirked. "Long enough for me to enjoy the fact I'll have both of you behind bars until the gutless judge slaps you both with a fine and community service from wrecking that restaurant."

Kim glared.

"Now then...Schultzman!" she called. Gretchen ran in.

"Yes, Kommandant?"

"Get these two processed and showered...oh, and put them in cell 181."

"But Kommandant, you were saving that cell for someone special."

"Yes Gretchen...I should say they are pretty special."

"Wait...wait, one cell?" Kim asked scared. "But...but-but that means that..."

"That's right, you're both going to be cellmates, won't that be fun?"

Shego's worried look quickly changed to a grin as Gretchen led them out of the office.

"Oh, very fun. Guess we'll be getting to know each other better, huh roomie?" Shego chuckled wickedly.

Kim gasped, knowing this wasn't going to end well. She only hoped Ron was doing something to help...

**Alright, there's a good place to stop. Leave me a review and tell me whatcha think! Until next time sports fans!**


	2. Prisoners: 5655, 5656

**Wow, I appreciate the love you guys are giving this story! Thanks, and keep it up! Reviews make me happy...Also, this story is very fictional and convoluted in nature. This is NOT a satire or visual representation of the American judicial system and should be treated as a work of pure pulp fiction...thank you, and have a good day. **

**Prisoners: #5655, #5656  
**

Speaking of Ron, the boy had succumbed to the smelling salts and came to his senses to realize he had embarrassingly passed out in one of the swankiest Italian restaurants in the city. A restaurant managed by someone whom Kim and Ron had assisted previously in a mission.

Though he was clumsy, often oblivious, and routinely looses his pants, this was one of the perks of being Kim's sidekick; like getting rides, or a free five star meal as a favor that he would otherwise have paid an arm and a leg for.

A bruised and still woozy Ron sat at a booth in the restaurant, feasting on a massive bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. Out of all the five star expensive Italian cuisine he could have eaten for free, he chose that...Go figure.

"Signore Balducci, the spaghetti and meatballs...Best ever!" Ron complimented the manager as he asked him about his meal.

"Oh, I am-a so glad you-a liked them signore Stoppable. It is-a the least I can do after you and-a Kim-a Possible saved-a my poor restaurant from-a that fire." The manager happily explained in a thick Italian accent.

"Ah, it was nothing, ya know after Kim hosed me down after I fell in that pit of hot ash, everything started to come together."

"That's-a nice, you-a made an excellent fire extinguisher. Would you like-to see a dessert menu?" he asked.

"Is Italy shaped like a boot?" Ron asked.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You are-a how you-a say, a riot!" the manager laughed and handed Ron the dessert menu and walked away.

"No seriously, is it?" he asked Rufus, who shrugged, and continued his journey into eating a plate of cheesy gnocchi.

While Ron tried to figure out if wanted to see what Tiramisu actually tasted like, or play it safe with the cheesecake, he looked over to see a soggy, disgruntled, and annoyed Drakken slump into the restaurant, just as the live band began to play Ennio Morricone's Mystic and Severe.

"Aw, crud." Ron buried his face in the menu.

"Excuse me, gar-con?" Drakken asked the maître' d, in the crappiest French accent he could muster... despite the fact it was an Italian restaurant.

"How many today, signore?" he asked annoyed at Drakken's presence.

"Yes, do you take American Express?" He asked showing an AE card he totally did not steal _cough-cough_. The maître' d pointed to a sign below the podium clearly stated: WE TAKE AMERICAN EXPRESS. "Oh, excellent, table for one and my name is..." he looked at the card "Uh...John DiMaggio."

Drakken then shifted his head and happened to catch a glance at Ron. He smirked. "Actually, I just saw someone I know, I'll eat with them."

"As you wish, signore."

Ron's hiding tactic failed as Drakken knocked over his dessert menu. Ron opened one eye to see Drakken right in front of him...and smelling of the stench of a thousand toilets. "Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite buffoon."

"You mean there's a buffoon you like less than me—I mean, what are you doing here, Drakken?"

"Going to be feasting on Italian cuisine if its all the same to you."

Ron took this as an opportunity. "Alright, I'll let you enjoy the free food, IF, and only if, you say my name."

Drakken groaned. "You little punk! I'd never-"

"Is-a there a problem-a here-a signore Stoppable?" The manager asked walking over.

"I don't know, is there?" Ron asked, looking over at a sweating Drakken.

"N-no, I uh...I'm just here to eat with my old friend...Ron...Stoppable." the blue mad scientist muttered.

"Yup, he's with me. And I'll have the cheesecake." Ron stated.

"Shrimp and Fettuccine Alfredo, and a glass of your best vintage." Drakken ordered.

"Right away, signore." the manager said, leaving them.

"So, what happened to you?" Ron asked.

"Ugh, don't ask, I just spent the past forty-five minutes swimming around in a sewer. Serious lack of mutated turtles named after Renaissance painters." Drakken semi-joked.

"Oh Drakken, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are in New York sewers...moron." Ron muttered.

"Anywho, you'll be happy to know the chip's ruined, and with it my plans for world domination." Drakken deadpanned.

"Darn." Ron sarcastically snapped his fingers. "So, have you seen Kim, or Shego?"

"What do you got nacho cheese in your ears? I just said I spent almost the past hour clawing my way out of a sewer. I got out, and went looking for Shego and or food. This just so happened to be the first place that didn't kick me out."

"Well, I'm sure they'll turn up."

"Yeah." Drakken groaned.

"At least I hope so." Ron whispered, just as his cheesecake got to the table. "Oh yeah, cheesecake!"

Over at Alcatraz, Kim and Shego were being led through the processing building by Gretchen Schultzman, the well meaning yet still stern sergeant-of-the-guard. First up was to the first floor with the mug shot room.

"I mean, come on. Am I the only one who thinks this whole situation is just hilarious?" Shego asked, chuckling.

"Um, yes. Yes you are." Kim snarled.

"Oh don't bust an artery, princess. You can be all miserable about how you're now in prison, while I on the other hand will stand here and enjoy this! I mean, seriously, Gretchen, do the prisoners call you Schultz-y as a nickname?"

"Most do actually. The guards too. How did you know?" Gretchen asked.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Shego nearly fell over. "And do you-and do you-do you like take candy bars as bribes in exchange for giving information to the prisoners?"

Gretchen started to sweat. "Um...I...I uh...I know nothing, I see nothing." Gretchen spurted nervously.

"AHA-HA-HA-HA-YES!" Shego fell over laughing.

"Shego! What the hell is so funny?" Kim asked angrily.

"Ooh, ooh-ooh, did I hit a nerve, cupcake? Or should I say, roomie?"

Kim angrily gritted her teeth. Gretchen could see the situation was about to turn PG-13, until she stepped in. "Easy ladies, don't make me separate you two...ya know cause you're both cellmates?"

"I get it." Shego chuckled. "I'm starting to like you Schultz-y."

"Thanks. Okay girls, time for your mugshots, any number preference?" she asked.

"Surprise me." Kim sighed.

"Alright." Gretchen walked to a table and started to clip number pieces into two small mug shot boards. "While I do this, you guys can fill out your dimensions into these cards so the tailor can get your uniforms ready while you shower."

"Dandy." Kim sighed again, writing her dimensions on the card, which she found difficult given the handcuffs.

"Alright, Shego; you will be prisoner #5655, and Kim you will be prisoner #5656." she handed them the boards. "Whose first?"

"I got it. I'll think I'll smile in this mugshot. I got so many I think I'll make a scrapbook."

Shego stepped up to the height chart in front of the camera, and smiled as Gretchen took her picture. "Turn to your right...no-no, sorry, my right...I think."

After Shego, Kim begrudgingly took her pictures, giving a less happy image. "Oh come on, smile, it'll make a nice Christmas card." Gretchen joked, trying to lighten the mood. "Not working, huh? Alright. Turn to my right."

After that debacle and the fingerprinting, Gretchen handed all this information to one of her subordinates named Carly Langenscheidt and led Kim and Shego elsewhere in the building, getting closer and closer to the main cell block building at the top of the island, which was connected to the processing building.

It looked like a locker room. It looked modern like the rest of the building, and contained wooden benches, and a large shower stall towards the back. Langenscheidt walked in carrying towels and two bars of soap.

"Thanks Langenscheidt." she said, then turned to the girls, taking off their handcuffs. "Alright you two, everything comes off, and I mean everything."

"Hey, any chance we can do this in front of some cute male guards?" Shego asked with a playful smirk.

"Sorry Shego, this is a 100% girls only prison. Girl guards, girl prisoners, girl staff." Gretchen explained. "Other than our lead chef and Klink's secretary, all girls."

"Oh, poo." The green skinned villain pouted, and started to strip.

Kim sighed again and began to strip away her purple top and black pants, along with her gloves and everything else she had. Shego took off her trademark Harlequin outfit as well, and the two stood semi-embarrassed to be naked in front of Schultzman and her corporal. "Sorry Kim, I need the watch too."

Kim gave her a nod, and took off the Kimmunicator watch, which Gretchen sat aside. Gretchen and the other guard then sighed annoyingly as they each slipped on a pair of latex gloves. "And now girls, Carly and I hate to do this, but we need to give you both a cavity search."

"I'm used to it." Shego agreed.

Kim however drew the line, trying to back away. "Noooo! No! No way-uh-uh! That is NOT happening!" Kim demanded.

"I don't like it, either." Gretchen groaned. "For Pete's sake, I've had my fingers in so many girls I swear my husband's starting to get suspicious." She saw that Kim was still afraid. "Look, I'll get it over with quickly, I promise."

"Swear?" Kim asked.

"Cross my heart." she promised. Kim nodded in agreement. "Alright Langenscheidt, I'll get Possible, you do the green one."

"Oh, why do I always get the green one." she complained, taking out a small flashlight. "Alright Ms. Go, open wide."

"Which hole?" Shego chuckled.

"Real funny, I've never heard that one before." she sighed. The two looked inside their mouths. "Go's clean."

"So's Kim, surprise-surprise. Alright, let's just get this part over with, get against that wall, spread your legs." Gretchen sullenly ordered.

The two did as they were told, and Kim clenched her eyes. While this went on, someone else entered the shower room. It was another guard. She was slender but built, having long dark hair, and dark eyes. She was most likely of Asian descent. Unlike the rest of the guards her skirt was noticeably shorter, and on her belt was a combat knife, asp baton, M4 frag grenades, garrote wire, and a powerful Desert Eagle with extended magazine in a holster. A blushing Kim saw her walk in as the guard licked her lips, eying up the redhead.

"Having fun there, Gretch?" she asked.

"Ugh, what a time for her to show up." Gretchen muttered. "You're both clean." her and Langenscheidt tossed away their gloves, then handed Kim and Shego towels and a bar of soap each. "Hit the showers girls. Carly, go get their uniforms from the tailor."

"You got it, sarge." she said, making an exit.

Kim kept her eyes on the guard as Shego led her into the shower. "Oh come on already." Shego complained.

The two took shower heads opposite the other, while Gretchen watched them, trying to avoid the other guard, who stood next to the lead sergeant.

"What do you want, Karai?" Gretchen asked. "Don't you have a job to do? Ya know, like the rest of us, huh?"

"I'm on break. And besides, when I heard that the great Kim Possible and Shego were going to be the latest additions to our humble little hotel, well...I just had to see this for myself." she said a bit arrogantly.

"Well there they are, you saw them, thanks for stopping by, buh-bye now."

"Dry up, Schultz-y. I want to enjoy this."

"I could order you to go, corporal." Gretchen glared.

"No worries sergeant, I'll be on my best behavior, swear." she promised.

"Ugh...fine." Gretchen gave a defeated sigh.

"So, how did Kimmy end up in here?"

"Fighting, disturbing the peace, and destruction of property. Their trial is pending."

"Riiiiiiiiiight, "pending", uh-huh." the guard chuckled evilly nudging Gretchen's right arm. "I'm assuming Ms. Big-shot has already seen them?"

"Are you kidding, they barely got through the front door."

"Gave them the whole shpeal: escape is impossible, follow the rules, I am the best, yada-yada?"

"The whole nine." Gretchen nodded...

… "Who do you think that is talking to Schultzman?" Kim whispered to Shego.

"What am I, some kind of mind reader? She's probably just another guard." Shego shrugged. "Now finish up, princess. I'm pruning."

"Yeah-yeah."

The two finished their shower, and dried off outside the stall, the guard still having her eyes fixated on them. "Hey tootsie, if you're gonna stare like that at least buy me dinner first." Shego scolded.

"Watch your mouth. I can make your life hell really quickly." the guard warned. "The name's Karai. Karai Hochstetter. It sounds like Hock-stetter, the 'ch' makes the 'ck' sound. Anyway, not to brag but I'm the toughest guard here. No offense Gretch."

Shego busted her nostalgic gut. "Ha-ha-ha, that and a Ninja Turtles reference! Love it!" she laughed.

"I still can't get over the fact that you two are now under my charge." Karai chuckled. "How I've relished the day."

"Don't think you'll overstep your boundaries." Kim warned Karai. "This is a licensed prison, you could...lose your...job." she said nervously as Karai approached her.

"Yeah, and Schultz-y over here should have been canned forever ago for taking chocolate bars as a bribe. But she's still here isn't she?"

"I like chocolate! Sue me!"

"Yeah, anyway; if you two cutthroats are thinking you can get one over on me, think again. Klink thinks she rules this prison, but I'm the one who does." she smiled, scratching Kim's chin. "Unless you want to become a statistic, you'll follow the rules...and my rules."

"They're not the same rules?" Kim asked

"They're not the same rules." Karai retorted. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you both real...real soon, my breaks over. Later girls, see ya Gretch." Karai said before exiting.

"Have a good one!" Gretchen waved. "I hate her." she said turning back to Kim and Shego.

Before the two could retort, Langenscheidt returned carrying a few things. "Uniforms are in. Here you go girls. I'd hate to see you two standing there in the buff."

Kim stared at what was presented to her. It was a blanket, a uniform, pair of panties, a bra, a pair of plain white tennis shoes, socks, another bar of soap, a towel, toothbrush, and a small white box with a red cross on it. All Kim of course noticed, was the uniform.

Kim gasped. It was a one piece dress, v-neck, with very short sleeves, it seemed to end three or four inches passed her butt. It was designed in black and white horizontal stripes, with her prisoner number on the upper left front in red print, and on the back, also in red letters read: Possible. A line below read: Alcatraz Penitentiary, Prisoner.

"Are you kidding me?" the redhead asked in shock. "Prison stripes, really?"

"Ya know, I am a fan of institution orange myself, but I kinda like it." Shego said optimistically. Kim turned to see she was already dressed.

"Hey, I didn't design the uniforms. I just distribute them." Langenscheidt explained.

"Ditto." Gretchen added.

Kim sighed, and threw the uniform on, noticing it seemed to be tight on her, she noticed it also looked tight on Shego as well. "What's in the box, anyway?" Kim asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

"Red Cross package." Langenscheidt said.

"Every week, the Red Cross sends the prisoners a care package. It has your usual fare: candy bars, cigarettes, candy bars, shampoo, candy bars, a magazine, candy bars, beef jerky, oh; did I mention candy bars?" Gretchen eagerly asked.

"Once or twice." Shego said with a smirk.

"Alright good. Come on girls, I'll take you to your cell. Thanks Carly, you're dismissed." Gretchen said to Langenscheidt.

"Yes ma'am."

Kim and Shego carried her things and followed Gretchen to the cell block building conveniently attached to the Processing Building. Unlike the latter, the Cell block was one of the original buildings, and though restored, has since given way to decay and rot, and the two noticed it was definitely hotter in the cell block.

There were four floors in cell block A, all one side, while the other had a large barred window to the outside. Their cell would be on the second tier. Schultzman led the girls down the catwalk as many of the prisoners took notice of the two famous newbies.

"Yo, check out the cute redhead."

"Hey cutie, why don't you come over to my cell?"

"What about that brunette! Hey baby, wanna good time?"

"Drop dead." Shego deadpanned, while an embarrassed and humiliated Kim said nothing.

"Hey Schultz-y, why don't you send that cute redhead my way? I'll break her in real good." one prisoner said reaching out her hands, prompting a knight stick slap from Gretchen. "God sarge, a simple 'no' would have sufficed."

"Don't worry, they're harmless, don't look at them, they won't look at you." Gretchen assured the hero and villain.

Down the cell block, another prisoner was taking notice. She was short, and a bit plump. Like Gretchen, she sported a pixie cut, but her hair was more curly and brown. She had a decent complexion and good features, and couldn't believe who was coming passed her cell. Her hazel eyes were wide as diamonds as she watched Kim and Shego walk passed.

"Sacrebleu! It cannot be!" she screeched in a French accent. "Gretch! Schultz-y!" she cried, trying to get Gretchen's attention.

"Hold on, wait right here." Gretchen demanded. Not wanting to get on the good guard's bad side, Shego and Kim did as they were told. Gretchen walked passed the French girl's cell. "Yes, my little friend?" she asked.

"Gretch, are those two mademoiselles the new prisoners? Or are my eyes deceiving me?"

"Don't worry about Elise, Gretch. I think she's getting a bit stir crazy in this place. Her cellmate said, sacking out on her bunk, speaking in a cockney British accent.

"What is it you wish to know, cockroach?" Gretchen asked the French girl.

"The new prisoners, Schultz-y, they look just like...Kim Possible and Shego." she whispered the last part.

"I am not at liberty to say, I know nothing." Gretchen assured her.

"Yeah, nothing, eh, mon ami?" the girl asked, waving a Hershey's bar in Gretchen's face.

"I cannot divulge information until deemed acceptable by Kommandant Klink."

"Translation LeBeau: two Hershey's bars." the girl's cellmate crudely stated from her bed.

"What the hell is Gretchen doing?" Kim whispered to Shego.

"Talking to those prisoners, what's the rush? Need to pee?" Shego whispered back.

"Newkirk! That's in poor taste!" Gretchen scolded the British girl. "But accurate." Gretchen nabbed the second candy bar from the girl, and looked around to see if anyone was listening. "It totally is Kim Possible and Shego." she smiled. "They're sooooo much cooler in person. I even got to give Kim a cavity search...and I'm not particularly sure why I'm proud of that, but; as you say Elise, c'est la vie."

"Good to know Schultz-y. Hey, there's a poker game tonight in the rec hall, you in?"

"I get paid today don't I? Wouldn't miss it for the world." Gretchen then turned to Kim and Shego. "Sorry girls, urgent business, your cell's right here anyway. Cell 181." Gretchen motioned to the cell next-door to the curious party. The door was open.

Shego waltzed right in, while Kim was hesitant. She gave a sullen look at Schultzman. "Don't worry, everything's going to be okay, I promise." she assured her. "If its any consolation, this is the same cell inhabited by Al Capone."

"NO WAY!" Shego freaked.

"Way." Gretchen answered.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh, my life has been made!" Shego jumped for joy.

While Shego's life possibly couldn't get any better, Kim turned to Gretchen, giving her the trademark puppy dog pout, just as their cell door slammed shut.

"Sorry, but you're only allowed a few hours of liberty each day, otherwise your cell needs to be closed." Gretchen explained awkwardly. "Um, dinner's at five sharp, room service has been on the fritz lately, so good luck with that." she said trying to lighten up Kim's crestfallen mood. "I'm trying, I really am."

"I know Gretchen, and thanks, you're making this miserable experience that much more bearable." Kim explained. "I'll see you in the mess hall?"

"Yes, always. It's sloppy Joe night tonight." Gretchen said. "Good luck girls, you'll be fine." with that, she departed from the two.

Kim gripped her hands onto the bars, while Shego claimed the top bunk for herself. The cells though modernized were still pretty small. They were basically 11' by 11' with two bunk beds, a desk, a toilet and sink, all colored as they would have been back in the day.

"So, ya wanna be mommy or daddy?" Shego sarcastically mused, sitting on her claimed bunk. A disgruntled Kim turned to face her. "Trick question, you're mommy. Cause daddy always gets the top bunk." she explained.

Angered, Kim grabbed Shego's hanging left leg from the bed, and pulled her down to the ground, pinning her against the opposite wall. "You really think this is funny, Shego?" Kim asked.

"Um, doy. If you haven't noticed, I've been pretty okay with our current situation." Shego explained with a playful smirk. "I get a a comfortable uniform, free meals, free smokes and candy each week, there's a guard who already likes us, and I get to share a cell with someone I already know, pleasant or otherwise. You on the otherwise are going to continuously bring down my joy with your: 'heroes don't go to prison' speech or whatever it is you'll say...hell, despite that one creepy-ass guard, and the serious lack of male personnel, this place is alright in my book."

"It doesn't bother you at all that were being held here still technically innocent having to wait an undetermined period of time for a trial?" Kim asked.

"Eh, I've had worst situations." the green skinned villain shrugged. Then she decided to turn the tables on Kim. "In fact, princess, you should start being a helluva lot nicer to me."

"How so?" Kim asked, crossing her arms.

"Think about it, Kimmy. "You didn't see the mass of girls in their cells eying you up with you were a slice of prime rib? And that's not just some initiation thing either, those cutthroats will seriously put the beating on you...or worse."

"Yeah, so? I can take them." Kim insisted.

"Sure you can, you can take a few, maybe three or four, but against an entire cell block all at once? You'd be in bitch-city in five minutes, and that's being generous."

"So, what are you saying, Shego?" Kim asked.

"I'm saying is you need protection...protection that a seasoned convicted veteran such as myself can easily provide for you."

"So? Two of us against an entire cell block?"

"Ugh." Shego did a facepalm. "Listen up Possible, this is how prison works, cause its high time you learned a thing or two before you become some girl's chew toy." Shego began. "Typically, they see a new girl, especially a pretty new girl, and they leap at her like dogs to steak. They see you wifed up, they back off, and go for the next unprotected piece of fresh meat."

Kim took a deep breath, having a good idea of what Shego was asking of her. "So...S-S-S-Shego...w-w-w-w-w-what you're-you're asking me is...is...is..."

"That's right Kimmy, you're about to become my prison wife...or my prison bitch, whichever you prefer."

"But...b-b-b-but-but-b-but..." Kim stammered.

"Now don't worry, it doesn't mean we need to bang, we just need to be convincing. Ya know, holding hands when we go to get meals, sitting together, stuff like that, nothing you need to concern your relationship with Stoppable over." she explained.

Kim started to sweat, and she began to bite at her fingernails. In a weird way, Shego had a point. But at the same time she could never cheat on Ron, even in the smallest possible way and even if it were for her own protection...Still, even though she could do anything, she wasn't in her element anymore, and Shego was...

"I'll...I'll need some time to think it over." Kim spurted.

"Fine." Shego smirked, jumping onto her bunk. "Just don't come crying to me when some prisoner pinches your butt...or that Karai chick gets a little too close."

Kim wanted to retort, but she couldn't. She sat on the edge of her bunk and rubbed her temples, wondering what the heck was going on in her life...

**There's a good chapter 2 cliffhanger. Leave a review, and I'll update soon! Until next time sports fans!**

**BOOYAKASHA!**


	3. No City for Young Girls

**In this weeks thrilling chapter, things heat up, Kim meets her "heroes" and an unlikely alliance is formed while enemies are made...oh and did you know that reviews help stimulate healthy colon production and is a great source of Omega three? You should try it...**

**No City for Young Girls**

Kim was sacking out on her bunk. Her arms were crossed, her sad pouty face was slowly turning into her angry pouty face, and her legs were in a crossed position, with her feet tapping against the bed and the wall.

The redhead tried to hear the various noises of the other cells as it passed the time. Next to her she could hear the nosy French and British girls whispering about them, but it was incoherent enough not to get all the details.

Her other neighbors whom Kim or Shego did not see, did not seem to be talking, perhaps they were taking a nap, or reading a book...or maybe they were dead? The latter of which made the redheaded heroine sit on edge for a moment or two.

However that moment was quickly overshadowed by their neighbors upstairs in cell 281. It sounded like one of them was screaming and there seemed to be making screeching noises like when a bed creaks when two people were...oh, Kim didn't even want to think about it, and slammed her hands against her ears to try to forget.

In the cell directly below them was creepily quiet and was most likely still vacant, however some noise would have been nice to overshadow what was going on upstairs that Kim now wished she was not hearing.

Shego on the other hand had already dived into her first weekly Red Cross package, trying to enjoy the magazine that came with it, which didn't seem to drown out the noise upstairs. If only she still had her energy blasts...if only.

"Oh for the love of God..." Shego sighed. "HEY! PUT A GAG ON IT ALREADY!" Shego yelled upstairs.

"Screw you, newbie!"

"Screw you!" Shego retorted. "And Screw your screaming bitch!"

"Screw your screaming! screw your complaining! And screw yourself!" the girl yelled upstairs.

"SCREW YOU THE MOST!" Shego screeched. That seemed to work. "Ha, I totes rocked that Ari Gold reference." Shego mused, going back to her magazine. "Minus the profanity."

Kim threw her pillow over her face, trying not to think about the yelling. She still mulled over Shego's offer and might have taken it if: A. it would mean cheating on Ron, even if its just acting, B. It's with Shego, C. It'd be gross, D. It's with Shego, E. there's no way anyone would buy it, or that Shego could command respect from every prisoner, and F. IT'S WITH SHEGO!

Speaking of Shego, she dived back into her Red Cross package and found her pack of cigarettes, a pack of Parliament Blue's, a very low shelf brand. She groused at her rotten luck, but threw one between her lips and lit it with the complimentary matchbook.

Needless to say, the cell quickly filled with the smell of smoke, something that started to make Kim's blood boil. After a couple honest coughs...and a few prolonged, dramatic, and blatantly fake coughs to get the green skinned villain's attention, Kim peaked up to Shego's bunk to see her casually flicking her ash into the toilet bowl below and reading her magazine.

"Ahem?" Kim cleared her throat.

"What it do, princess? Hey what kind of smokes did you get? I got stuck with these crappy Parliaments." Shego casually explained holding the pack. "Talk about nostalgia, I used to bum these from the rejects underneath the middle school bleachers back in the day. So, what smokes did you get, ya didn't say?"

"I-I don't know, they're in a green pack I think?" Kim spurted, still very annoyed that Shego seemed to be avoiding the subject. "What does it matter, I don't smoke, I don't care! So if you don't mind could you please—"

"Ooh, can I have them then?"

"Ugh- sure, whatever." Kim angrily grabbed the pack from her box and tossed them at Shego upon peaking up on her bunk. "Take em!"

"Ooh, American Spirits. I hear these things are making a comeback."

"HEY!" Kim got her attention. "I'm not done!"

"Then what is it?"

"Would you mind not making the cell smell like an ashtray?"

"Don't you mean _our _cell?" Shego asked smugly, blowing her smoke in Kim's face. "And lighten up, cupcake, if anything it makes the place smell better than the pile of vomit it smelled like before." she explained.

"Erg." Kim growled. "Just...just watch where you're blowing your smoke, okay?" she asked, a bit defeated, and very annoyed.

"Sure-sure. Anyway, have you thought of my offer? It's still on the table."

"Never." Kim sneered. "The day I willingly call myself your bitch is the day pigs fly!"

"You can be my wife, I'm not picky." Shego stated.

"Oh gosh, well let me go ahead and quote a little Dr. Cox on you." Kim said, leaning onto Shego's bunk. "Never, not in a million years, no way Jose, no chance Lance, nein, negatory, uh-uh, nuh-uh, uh-oh and of course my personal favorite man falling off cliff; nooooooooooooooooooooo..." Kim trailed off "Splat."

"Good work." Shego clapped. "I'm a _Scrubs_ fan myself. But when you do change your mind, I'll be waiting, Kimmy." Shego smirked, flicking her cigarette butt into the toilet below, after blowing the last drag of smoke into Kim's face. "You'll change your mind."

"Not likely."

"The first dyke who grabs your ass and you'll be holding hands with me like a shot." Shego assured her.

"Ugh, so not the drama, Shego. I can handle myself." Kim said, going back down into her bunk.

"Yup, yup, be all high and mighty all you want pumpkin, but I'm not buying it."

"Wanna bet?" Kim asked boldly.

"As a matter of fact I do. You give in between now and our departure of Alcatraz...and..." Shego thought for a moment. Then got an evil idea. "You have to accompany me on a heist."

"You mean I have to help you steal something?" Kim asked, a bit surprised.

"Yup."

"Well...well fine, if I win, you have to give up all villainy for a whole year." Kim said smugly.

"What?" Shego glared her way.

"Do we have a deal?"

Shego thought for a moment, and after a moment of skepticism she smirked, there was no way she could lose. "Deal." the two shook hands.

"Good, now while you worry about how you're going to live the next year not as a villain, I'm going to continue not to be broken by our current situation."

"Whatever gets you to bed at night, Princess." Shego blurted to humor her.

"And would you stop calling me Princess, already? And pumpkin, and cupcake! If you haven't noticed, Shego; I don't fight like a cupcake, or did you forget?" Kim asked, leaning in closer to the green skinned ne'er-do-well.

"I didn't forget, pumpkin." Shego snarked, running her fingers through Kim's hair. "I only do it because it annoys you."

"Yeah well, you don't see me calling you old lady, do you? Maybe I should start that."

"Old? I'm only thirty-one." Shego glared.

"Oops, maybe I struck a nerve." Kim smirked. "After all, age is but a number." she then retreated back to her bunk.

"Just you wait, Kimmy...one day, you're gonna get yours. And something tells me its gonna be sooner, rather than later."

"What ever you say." Kim said trying to humor her.

Meanwhile, while those two tried to deal with each other almost like a crappy, formula based, cliché situational comedy, Gretchen had taken Kim and Shego's clothes and gadgets over to Wilhelmina's office as per her request...as if she had another choice.

"Here are Kim Possible and Shego's things Madam Kommandant." Gretchen said laying them on Wilhelmina's desk.

"Ah, excellent, thank you Schultzman, you can go now. Let me bask in my own glory." she said rubbing her hands together evilly,

"I still don't see why you had to inspect their things instead of just giving them to the evidence room?" Gretchen asked skeptically.

"Well ya see sergeant that's the best part, no one asked you." Klink sneered. "If you'd keep your hands out of the prisoners red cross packages and, ya know actually do some research like I do, you would know that we are dealing with two very resourceful and potentially dangerous guests at our little hotel." she explained.

Klink took a small chip-like device from her desk and attached it to the base of the Kimmunicator watch. "For example, I happen to know the geek who runs Kim's website is a super genius who could potentially ruin this whole th—I mean, try some legal mumbo-jumbo to get her off, without him being able to find her, he won't know where she is, and that way, no interference."

"That's uh...that's good thinking Kommandant." Gretchen said, not being able to shake a feeling of guilt.

"That's why I'm a brilliant colonel, and you are a hapless sergeant. And by the way, hapless sergeant..." Klink sneered, getting in Gretchen's face. "...If you know what's good for you you'll remain hapless and keep this meeting of ours between us, or you'll find yourself at a cold prison camp in the Ural Mountains." Klink threatened.

"Russia?" Gretchen gulped.

"In shackles!" Klink snarled. "Do we have an understanding, Schultzman?"Gretchen nodded furiously. "Good, now get going before I send you there anyway, get on, out!" didn't have to tell her twice.

Klink looked through Kim's wallet, and pulled out a few pictures...before pocketing the money from her wallet. She was especially interested in a picture of Ron. "Hmm...you, you'll be an issue unless I do something about you?" Klink called her secretary over the intercom. "Howard? Send for corporal Hochstetter, I want her in my office right away." Klink then looked at the picture of Ron again. "There's more than one way to skin a Stoppable, hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm."

Back in the cell block, Shego had already burned through four cigarettes, which was really starting to get to Kim., who started to read through her complimentary red cross magazine, last months issue of People.

"What magazine did you get?" Shego asked.

"People."

"Ooh, I got Time, trade me!"

"Fine." Kim groaned and threw up her magazine just as Shego's came falling down to her bed.

Kim tried to paw through the magazine, but something still troubled her. And more so that it wasn't appearing to trouble Shego in the slightest. Kim peaked up onto Shego's bunk again, the green skinned villain finishing another cigarette.

"Can I help you, Princess?" Shego asked half uninterested.

"Does any of this bother you?" Kim asked. "Even a little? The tiniest bit, even?"

"I mean these articles are a bit contrive, but hey that's journalism."

"I didn't mean the stupid magazine, I meant, this!" Kim stated referring to their situation.

"Alright-alright, I mean the black and white stripes are a bit old fashion and humiliating, but these outfits are slimming you gotta admit."

"Ugh?" Kim did a face palm.

"No Kimmy, I'm pretty content with our current situation as I've said before. Again, my offer is still on the table."

"Stop that! I can make do fine by myself. I'm just...I'm just tweaked about the trial thing."

"That's bureaucracy for ya." Shego shrugged.

"Could take months she said...I bet she's covering up for something or someone." Kim guessed.

"Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm not gonna think about it for now."

"Whatever." Kim sighed and sat back on her bunk.

"I mean it beats trying to escape the Stasi, I can tell you that much."

That piqued Kim's interests. She jumped back onto Shego's bunk. "Stasi? What?"

"That's right, the East German secret police, or Stasi."

Kim raised an intrigued eyebrow.

"Ugh, alright fine Princess, I'll explain. I was born in Dresden, same with Hego, Mego, the twins—our real name was Gogelmann, until we moved we had it Americanized to confuse the Stasi."

"Why'd you leave?" Kim asked.

"One needs a reason to leave East Germany?" Shego retorted sarcastically.

"Fair point." Kim agreed.

"But there you go, you know a thing about me...now its only in good taste you tell me a thing about you."

"Well..." Kim was hesitant.

"Did you and the buffoon do it yet-"

"Gross! I mean—He's not a buffoon—I mean…." she stammered.

"That's a no." Shego chuckled.

"I'll tell you something else, its none of your business." Kim glared

Whatever you say, Princess just know that-"

Suddenly, their cell doors opened and a bell rang as some of the prisoners emerged from their cells and proceeded down the hall in a single file, that must have been the dinner bell. Shego's eyes lit up as Kim started to sweat.

"Ooh, hold that thought, its chow time."

Shego jumped from her bunk and approached the cell door, looking back to see a hesitant Kim.

"You coming?" She looked back to see Kim still hesitant. "You know you can't just live off of candy all week, you're gonna have to come and eat eventually."

Kim nodded. Shego was right, and she couldn't let herself be beaten, at least not without a fight. So she joined her cell mate at the door, and the two started down the cell block with the rest towards the mess hall.

While walking in this mess of prisoners, especially so close to them, Kim was feeling awfully uncomfortable. It started with a few glares, and then was escalated with a few pinching at her rear end, then it got worse with a combination of glares, butt pinching, and whispering dirty or obscene things in her ear as they walked by.

One of the girls nearly pushed Kim over the edge, and she was going to turn to punch the girl in the face, only for a smirking Hochstetter to notice. Kim smiled nonchalantly as the guard approached the two of them.

"Beat it, Kowalski." Karai ordered.

"Sure thing, corporal." didn't have to tell her twice, and she was off and running.

"Ya know, you're in quite a spot, see? On one hand, it would be hard for me to notice all these horny pathetic excuses of sperm-and-egg society has thrown away pinch at your butt and whisper that they want to do you, but on another it would be very easy for me to see you deck one of them for making such comments and accusations, wouldn't it?"

"I-I guess it would." Kim said with a nervous glare.

"Yeah, so; what would it take for me to protect you from such punishment, as well as getting you away from the bourgeois hoi polloi of this prison?" she asked, knowing Kim knew the answer.

Truth be told, she did think it over. True it would make her Hochstetter's bitch, but if given the choice, she would rather someone with enough pull in the prison for protection over Shego. Still, there was no way Kim could degrade herself, she still felt strong, and she didn't want the system to beat her. She gave Karai a look.

"Thanks, uh-Hochstetter, was it? I appreciate your offer almost like I appreciate tooth decay, but I think I'm gonna be just fine, so you can just go on and enjoy your little Napoleon complex, while I go get some dinner." Kim smirked, and waltzed away.

Karai narrowed her eyes at Kim. "That's okay, you enjoy your little victory you brat. But I'm the one who will get the last laugh...oh yes, there will be blood."

Karai turned her attention to three prisoners straggling along. One was skinny, with short hair, buzzed on the right side, and in a pixie cut on the other. Another was large and heavyset with brown hair, and the last was African-America, sporting an Afro.

"Excuse me? Gruber, McHale, Edwards? Got a sec?" Karai asked.

"What is it, Karai? We already paid you for-"

"No-no, nothing like that, I actually got a business proposition for you three, see that redhead over there?" she pointed to Kim.

"You mean Possible, the new girl?"

"The same, how's about if you three can rough her up a bit, I'll forget your cigarette racket, do my best to get your sentences reversed, and pay you each, $200 in advance. How does that sound?" she asked, handing each of them the money.

"Couldn't pass it up, if I wanted to."

"Any special method?"

"Dealer's choice." Karai smirked.

"Excellent." the three walked on.

Karai smiled as she was tapped on the shoulder by another guard. "Karai, the kommandant wants you in her office."

"I'll be right there."

Kim caught with Shego in the mess hall, which was in another building, also one that was from the original complex and simply renovated rather than a new building altogether. It was filled with tables, and noisy prisoners, each sitting around or standing in line for food.

Kim stood behind Shego in line and grabbed a tray as they watched the group of homely cafeteria workers serve them stereotypical inedible looking food. They were all older looking females, except for the head chef, who was a large and well built African-American male sporting a flat-top cut, Carl Weathers looking mustache, blue collared shirt, bell bottom jeans, under a greasy apron.

"Bet any of this slop is edible?" Shego asked Kim.

"If its anything like the cafeteria food at school...probably not." she sighed.

"Kinda lost ya back there, what happened?" Shego asked in a bit of a sarcastic tone.

"Nothing." Kim sneered, not wanting to give her the satisfaction. "I'm fine, don't worry about me."

"Oh believe me, cupcake, I wasn't. I just wanted to know how many girls wanted to either beat you up, or do other unsavory things." Shego smiled, putting a piece of bread onto her tray.

"I'm fine." Kim gritted her teeth.

"Sure-sure." Shego mused

The two passed right along to the cafeteria workers who ladled some creamed corn onto their plates, some applesauce and some other mush that looked unrecognizable. The two sighed, and moved onto the head chef who put a piece of meat onto their trays.

"Eat up." he said in a deep raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, what is this "meat" exactly?" Shego asked.

"Well its basically Minced meat of cow's liver, pig's feet, chipped beef, and the leftovers from what they don't use to make hotdogs. I work there on Sundays."

"Kim was ready to hurl, while Shego offered a shrug. "Sorry I asked."

They filled up their water cups and each froze, looking for a table to sit at. Both were equally concerned about meeting new people, or not wanting to take someone's spot or sit at a table they weren't welcome at.

"Ya know, when you boil it down, prisons a lot like high school." Kim stated.

"How do you figure?"

"It just looks so clique-y, just look you got the meatheads over there, the nerdy hacker criminals over there, the white collar crowd over there; those are your basic snobs, prostitutes, arsonists, and the crazy ones they couldn't fit into the asylum. The whole crime thing aside, yup; just like high school." Kim sighed.

"Lotta young prisoners too, there's like no one here over fifty." Shego noticed.

"Well they did just reopen the place." Kim reminded her.

"Yeah, but its not like oldsters don't commit any crimes." Shego added.

"Good point. I'm sure it'll just make us too tired to think about it, look; empty table."

"Good eyes, Possible."

"You mean young eyes." Kim said smugly.

"Get stuffed." Shego berated her.

The two sat next to each other in what appeared to be the last empty table in the whole cafeteria. Their triumph was short lived when the British and French girl sat directly across from them moments later, followed by another prisoner next to them.

The British girl was of average height and curvy, with a fair complexion and strawberry blonde hair done done in pigtails. The other prisoner, was African-American, built, with wavy dark hair. She seemed well read, and all three appeared to be interested in Kim.

Kim of course was very nervous, and tried to pass it off. To Shego, the three appeared to be at least ostensibly harmless, so she decided to be her usual sarcastic self. "Excuse me? But this is a private party, beat it." she ordered.

"Easy does it, love. We don't want any trouble." the British girl assured her.

"Oh, really? That's nice, now if you really don't want any trouble you'll beat it!" Shego ordered with increased stringency

"Yeah, don't worry about it. We're all prisoners here. We're friends." The African-American added.

"Let's here them out, huh, Shego?" Kim asked.

"Since when do you decide for the both of us, Kimmy? Last time I checked you didn't wanna get wifed up." Shego reminded her.

"Ignore her." Kim said to the others, as Shego did an eye-roll and started to eat her dinner. "You two share the cell next to ours, right?"

"That's right." The French girl said.

"And I, the cell next to yours on the other side." the African-American noted. "The names Kinchloe, first name Ivana, but you can call me Kinch, everyone does."

"Patricia Newkirk's the name, Miss Possible, but Patty or Snatch works all the same. But if you call me Ms. Newkirk I won't know what to do with ya." The British girl explained. "And this here's me little buddy, Louisa LeBeau."

"You can call me Louie."

"All were missing is my cellmate, Andi Carter, but the poor girl's in solitary for the time being, I'm afraid." Kinch explained.

"You're all friends, huh? What ya in for?" Shego asked.

"Theft Auto." Newkirk explained.

"Don't you mean Grand Theft Auto?" Kim asked.

"No ya see, for any crime to have grand in front of it, the object in question must have been worth at least a thousand dollars...apparently nobody ever told me you have to pay for the things you find in a junkyard." Newkirk explained. Everyone looked at her funny. "What? I thought that was the reason they called it, junk!"

"I on the other hand was caught vandalizing the French consulate office right here in San Francisco because they denounced up my French citizenship all because I said Quebec is part of Canada and should remain part of the country." again, more weird looks. "Apparently all I had to do was simply ask for another copy of my passport...which they told me after I vandalized the counselor's office."

"I got pinched for blowing the whistle on my government contractor because they were in cahoots with a disbanded terrorist ring based out of Midway. So they framed me for a BS breaking and entering job."

"But enough about us, we're just so thrilled that you, like the greatest world saver that's ever lived, is here in this prison." Louie explained.

"Oh, it's no big, really." Kim blushed.

"How'd you and Shego end up here, anyway?" Kinch asked.

"Assault and destruction of property." Kim huffed. "We're just passing through, pending our trial."

"Get used to waiting, the system in this county is so backed up, Internal Affairs has been looking hither and fither as to why, and even those government crooks are coming up with squat." Newkirk sighed.

"Really?" Kim raised an eyebrow.

"Yup, and we're all certain our dear kommandant might have a connection as to why." Louie added.

"So we plan to find out ourselves."

"Um, sorry to burst your bubble, but we're not exactly in a position to go searching through San Fran's legal department." Shego added.

"Not yet." Kinch began.

"But we intend to...soon, very soon." Newkirk finished.

"Why, you getting released soon?" Kim asked.

"Lucky." Shego scoffed.

"Oh no, you see Miss Possible-"

"Kim."

"-Sorry, Kim...me, Louie, Pat, and Andi, we're all in the escape business." Kinch explained.

"And we had a marvelous plan to get out of this mess." Newkirk added. "Until our old leader, Roberta Hogan got released, same with Riley Baker, her cellmate, ruined everything before it got started."

"Now we're leaderless, and therefore plan-less, but; c'est la vie." Louie sighed.

"So, you need two new parties to aid in your escape plans, huh?" Shego asked raising an eyebrow.

"And to help us break into City Hall and the police department to find out what's up, clear our names, and get out of this mess for good." Kinch explained. "In the interim, we can hang out at a nightclub owned by my old buddy Wally Binghamton. He's sympathetic to our cause and said we can hide out there as long as we need to, no questions asked, no rent, and no cops."

Kim and Shego looked at each other for a moment. "Well with or without ya Kimmy, I'm always game to bust out of the slammer, count me in you sitcom-cliches."

Kim sighed. "I mean, I don't know, I-I'd like to help, but I...what if we get caught?" Kim asked nervously.

"Then they lock our butts up in the cooler for thirty days, its the standard punishment." Newkirk shrugged.

"And tack on more time to our sentences." Kim added. "Sorry guys, especially for my crime, the risk is worth more than the reward, I mean; what if its just bureaucracy that's slowing everything down, huh? Then we have nothing."

"So, you're out?" Louie asked, a bit crestfallen.

"I'm sorry. But its a risk I'm not willing to take."

"But-but-but you're Kim Possible." Newkirk reminded her.

"You can do anything." Kinch added.

"Yeah you only say that every damn time I see you." Shego muttered.

"Well, you're...you're right I can—but...but-but...I-I'm...I-I-I'm sorry. I just can't."

"So, you're out?" Newkirk asked

"Well...Yeah, I can't do it, I'm sorry….I-I gotta go."

"Kim!?"

Shego watched Kim leave the table and attempt to exit the cafeteria. The green skinned girl couldn't believe what she heard, but she had to get to the bottom of it, after all, she felt some obligation to help her out...well, some.

Shego grabbed Kim by the arm before she had a chance to get out. "Let go of my arm, Shego." Kim sneered.

"What the hell was that?"

"I said: let go of my arm!" Kim demanded trying to break free.

"Not till you answer my question, Miss: I-can-do-anything, Miss: cheerleader-save-the-world. Now why don't you want to escape? Five minutes ago you couldn't stand this place, now all of the sudden you wanna stay put? Explain!"

"Well I wanna get out, but not illegally!"

"Shhhh, keep your voice down." Shego whispered. "You want the guards to hear?"

"Let go of my arm or I'll yell for them." Kim said coldly.

"What are you afraid of, Kimmy? Thirty days in solitary? Whoopty-freakin'-do-"

"And more time to our sentences, Shego! I mean, our petty crime is one thing, but escaping from jail? That's another. Yeah I can do anything, but even you can admit I've been caught before, or captured by a villain, right?"

"Well...yeah." Shego admitted.

"Exactly. This is a risk I can't take-"

"But the buff—I mean, Stoppable isn't here to foul anything up, and those three seem like okay girls, they even have a plan, or most of one to get off of this rock. It can't fail."

"But what if it does? I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna risk my butt—and even if we can get out, what's to say we come up with nothing like Internal Affairs? Then we're nothing more than fugitives, and you and I aren't exactly low profile."

"You're really serious about this aren't you?" Shego asked.

"I'm sorry Shego. But the only way I'm gonna get outta here alive is play the goodie-goodie card. If it makes you feel any better, I swear I won't tell a soul about your escape plot." Kim assured her.

"Good, cause if you did, I'd strangle you myself." Shego said.

Then she sighed, despite her best efforts, Kim was still adamant about throwing in the towel on this one. So, she decided to do better than her best efforts. She placed both of her hands on Kim's shoulders and sighed.

"Look, I know I don't look the part...but I'm just as scared as you are."

Kim raised an eyebrow. "You are?"

"Look, this prison...it's not the one I always end up in. I know the prisoners, the other villains, the guards, the routine—everything….here? It's so..weird and ambiguous, and with a creepy history. And even though we have our differences, however many...I was kinda hoping we could get through this hellhole together...what do you say?" she said as sincere as she possibly could.

"...Shego." Kim murmured.

"Come on, Kimmy. Let's go listen to our new friends."

Shego turned to go, but Kim stood ther,e with her head hung. "Shego...I-I can't. I just can't okay! I'm sorry, but I just can't." she turned to leave.

Shego took a few paces towards her for her last resort. "Possible!" she yelled. Kim stopped, but didn't turn to see her. "If you...if you walk out that door, I'll lose every ounce of respect I have for you...and believe me its more than you think."

Kim clenched her fists, she turned to see Shego, but then turned her head back. "I'd rather take my chances with the Stasi."

That...angered Shego a bit. "You little bitch! One: they were messed up, you don't even know!" she grabbed onto Kim's arm again. "And two: I told you that in confidence!"

"You have till three to let go or I call the guards." Kim grimaced coldly.

"I don't care!" Shego gritted her teeth. "I'm not done with you!"

"One..." Kim counted.

"What the hell is wrong with you! Is it that time of the month or something?"

"Two..."

"I can't believe you! And you know it's sad when I get to say it-"

"Three!"

"Alright fine!" Shego let go of Kim, who immediately continued to the door. "I expected better from you, Possible. But you know what? I hope you rot in here." Shego then went back to her table as Kim angrily marched back to her cell block.

Meanwhile, Karai stood in Klink's office, while the kommandant showed her the picture of Ron.

"Possible's boy toy?" Karai asked.

"Yeah, he could prove difficult if he finds out, and you know how the police like to gossip in this city. I can't take chances, I need him disposed of."

"Disposed how?" Hochstetter asked.

"You have to ask? I want him gonzo, finito, kaput, rubbed out, bumped off, sidewalk stroganoff, street pizza, I don't care! Get rid of him. I'm sure you can think of a few ways."

"How soon?"

"Asap."

"Not a problem, Kommandant. I know just the people for the job...they owe me a few favors anyway. Where's he staying?"

"Uh..." Klink looked in Kim's wallet, and pulled out a hotel room key. "The Hilton on Fisherman's Wharf. Room 203." she handed Hochstetter the room key.

"Not to worry ma'am, come tomorrow Ron Stoppable will cease to exist." she chuckled.

**Alright, there's a good cliffhanger for now. Um, It has come to my attention that last chapter was a bit too graphic and obscene, so I plan on toning that down in the future, because I really don't want to upgrade this from T to M. Also, I have been having one unfortunate computer issue after another, so I've been forced to update in the school's library for now, so updates might be slow. This goes for all of my stories. Hopefully this will be resolved soon. Leave a review and get ready for the mayhem! Until next time sports fans!**

**Cheers!**


	4. Hello Darkness My Old Friend

This chapter promises to stir things up, cause controversy, and sense that there's a bit of corruption in the air. Because everyone loves a good story that stirs things up. Do leave a review, it helps me improve.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Kim seemed to be having a habit of putting her foot in her mouth that day. Though of course, could you blame her? After all, hers and Shego's incarceration was anything short of unconstitutional, and didn't make sense.

Now that she had an opportunity to do a bit of _Veronica Mars _muckraking to see what everything was about, and as saving the day is kind of her M.O., she gives all that up in one fell swoop to be a good girl, a model prisoner, so as to maybe get out on good behavior, or at least give the courts nothing substantial to convict her of what seemed to be such a modest misdemeanor.

Still, it seemed as though Shego was trying to plead with her, especially considering she was the only "friend" Kim had on the inside...and she used the term friend loosely. And Kim went and threw all that away for an easy way out.

That is what was sending Kim into some sort of depression as she walked back to her cell. But, she couldn't help but think she was being followed. She looked behind her and saw Gruber and McHale, two of the goons Hochstetter ran into earlier.

Kim tried to pick up speed, but then ahead of her was Edwards, the last girl. Kim stopped in her tracks, as her hero's intuition said that they were clearly interested in her for God knows what reason...and they were reasons Kim figured were best left unanswered.

They started to circle the hero, as Kim clenched her fists. She figured maybe she should try and talk it out, if she is to be a model prisoner, she might as well give it a shot before resorting to something a little more kick-ass-y.

"You're on the wrong side of the tracks, little girl." Edwards sneered.

"Sorry ladies. I'll try to be more careful in the future." Kim snapped with appropriate sarcasm.

"If we have anything to say about it, Possible...you're not really gonna have much of a future." Gruber chuckled.

"Look, I'm not exactly in a good mood, so if you're smart; you'll all stay away." Kim quipped.

"Real cute." Edwards responded by sucker punching Kim in the gut, and she fell over.

The three stood above the redhead. Not smart. Kim put her martial arts skills to the test, and sideswiped all three of them to the ground. She emerged and attempted to flee, where McHale grabbed her by the leg, knocking Kim back to the floor.

Kim's response was by kicking McHale right in her fat face. The other two stood, and Kim responded with some good ol' Possible ass whooping. She decked Edwards in the face, and threw Gruber to the floor after she tried a lunge on the teen heroine.

"You'll pay for that, Possible!"

Kim backed herself against the wall. She seemed outmatched, but was able to overpower her aggressors. She knocked Edwards and Gruber right into each other and charged at McHale, knocking her back into the cell block.

From up above was Hochstetter, watching the entire fiasco as though she planned it all, except-oh yeah, she did. Her hand was on the alarm button, waiting for the right opportunity to slam her fist into it. She watched Kim continue to lay the beat-down onto her foes.

After Gruber tried another round at Kim, the redhead sighed and knocked her back down into Edwards, who was trying to get up. Sensing that her setup was failing, Hochstetter sighed, and slammed her fist into the alarm.

"Good help is so hard to find." she sighed.

The cell block quickly filled with guards, where a guilty Kim stood while the three belligerents laid in pain and agony from being beaten down like rag dolls. Hochstetter walked down to the first floor as two guards were busy restraining Kim.

"But, it-it wasn't my fault, they jumped me first!" Kim pleaded.

"That's not what I saw."

Kim looked up and saw Hochstetter standing above her.

"I didn't catch it all, but from what I saw, was Kim Possible beating up these three inmates." she explained to the other guards.

"But I-"

"No buts! I think miss Possible here can cool her head with a day's stay in the cooler." Hochstetter recommended. Gretchen arrived, unfortunately too little too late.

"All the solitary confinement cells are occupied at the moment." Gretchen stated matter-of-factly.

"Then...I dunno, throw her into the one with Carter. That psycho could use a little company." Hochstetter said with a smirk.

A saddened Kim was led into the basement of the cell block, where the solitary confinement cells were housed. Hochstetter opened one of the cells as Kim's restraints were released. Once the door was opened, Kim saw a girl, a blonde throw her hands over her eyes as the light was let in.

"Good news, Carter; we got a roommate to keep you company." Kim was thrown into the cell, and the door was slammed shut.

Darkness.

Kim felt the walls to find a corner to sit in. But it wasn't long before she heard rustling about, her new roommate was crawling towards her.

"I can still fight in the dark, you know." a salty Kim snapped. "So just stay on your own corner."

"I don't want to fight you." a voice squeaked. "What did you do?" she asked.

"Arrested unfairly-"

"-No, I'm sure of that. I meant, to wind up in here."

"Oh, well I beat up these three goons who tried to jump me. They started it, and that witch, Karai told the other guards otherwise. I think she has it in for me because I wouldn't submit to her whims." Kim explained.

"Yup, that sounds like Hochstetter. She's a real pain in everyone's ass around her. She's Klink's personal lap dog you know. But she gets her kicks trying to seduce a few of the inmates. Hell, you have to worry about her more than the prisoners themselves...the other guards aren't so bad." the voice explained.

"What is the deal with this place?" Kim asked. "I hear they just arrest girls for these relatively bogus crimes and hold them here for what seems like indefinitely?" Kim asked.

"That's what my crew and I are trying to figure out. This has to be this huge conspiracy. But, there's little we can do locked up." The voice trailed. "Andrea Carter. Call me Andi."

"Kim Possible."

"Wait, really? L-L-Like the teen world saver? The same one who beats evil and still has time to balance school, life, and all the stuff in between?"

"The same."

After a moment, Andi lit a match, illuminating the drab cell. Kim jumped as Andi was much closer to her than she first appeared. "Wow, it really is you."

"Yeah." Kim sighed. "Me...in prison."

"Then I know something has to be up. Why would you be in here? Sure some of us have done some bad things, but nothing to deserve treatment like this."

"It's a long and painful story." Kim rolled her eyes.

"Well we're not exactly going anywhere." Andi quipped.

"True."

"But, I-I'm sure it must have been something stupid. Not like me—crap!" Her match, nearly burning her fingers, Andi dropped the match. She lit another one as Kim studied the girl. Long blonde hair, with blue eyes, a little tired looking, given her sleep schedule was probably messed up from the constant darkness.

"Your story will probably be more interesting." Kim suggested.

"I go to art school in the city, though I dabble in chemistry. This boy plagiarized a piece of mine, so when I confronted him, I accidentally lit the studio on fire—but it was an accident. So, they locked me up here. I ended up in the cooler because I...may have...accidentally-"

"Burned down the cafeteria?" Kim asked with a half smile.

"The auto shop, actually...again, accident." Andi assured her.

"Wait a sec...are you the girl your "crew" was talking about? They mentioned a girl named Andi Carter in solitary."

"That would be me. I'm supposed to get out tomorrow. You probably will too, twenty-four hours is usually the standard punishment for fighting. I've been stuck here for a whole month. I probably smell like it too." she laughed.

"Is it true that you guys are trying to break out of here? See what is going on around with this place?" Kim asked.

"Yeah, so far we've come up with squat. We think Klink is orchestrating the whole thing, but we also think this has something to do with the judge's circuit, the city council, all that stuff. But, if this is a top-down conspiracy that information won't come easy."

"True, but if I've learned from anything, it's that criminals always leave some sort of mistake. Something they thought was untouchable, but wasn't as covered up as well as they wanted to." Kim explained.

"You really believe that?" Andi asked.

"If Nixon and Clinton are any indication of that rule, no one is untouchable, Andi." Kim assured her new cellmate. "But you know. I-I think I put my foot in it today. Your crew offered me a chance to go with you guys and help...I said no."

"Why?"

"Are you kidding? Sure, this is inconvenient, but I figured if I were some model prisoner, maybe...I dunno, I thought I could just get out, maybe sway the jury that I'm no good to anyone locked up. Then obviously, subsequent circumstances proved otherwise, I guess."

"Sooooooo...would you be willing? You know, to join us?" A hopeful Andi asked.

"You know what? Why not? I've got nothing left to lose at this point. It'll probably get me out faster anyway."

"That's the spirit! Wait'll the girls find out that Kim Possible is going to be joining us."

"Well, we do have to get out of here-here first." Kim reminded her…

Andi let another match go out, and the two sat in darkness for a few more beats. There was still a question on Kim's mind that she felt that she needed to ask. But now was as good a time as any to ask it.

"Can I...Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure. Ask away."

"Is it easier to get along here...if you're...you know...wifed up, with someone?" Kim asked.

"Oh sure. Kinch, my cellmate is my wife—not that we do anything sexual, but it helps to keep you safe. Usually, if the other girls see you with someone else, they back off. It's easier to fight off a lone wolf than a pair. She has a husband on the outside. But, it depends who you choose. It's usually out of convenience that it's with your cellmate, but some inmates look elsewhere. Of course, it also helps if you don't get stuck with a dyke, that's where they take the whole "wife" thing a bit too seriously, and not to mention a bit too far."

"Lovely." Kim said with an unseen eye roll.

"Why, who's your cellmate?" Andi asked.

"My arch nemesis. Shego."

"The green skinned girl? Now that's what I call irony."

"We were arrested together, fighting in some local restaurant. And now we're both here. She suggested the whole "wife" thing, but I..."

"You told her no?"

"Worse, I made a bet with her that if I couldn't make it without wifing up, I would have to accompany her on a heist."

"Well...look at it this way." Andi began. "If we get out of here, there will be plenty of heisting we have to to acquire the information we need. Therefore you would be holding up your end of the bargain and helping out so many people."

"I guess that makes sense...and Shego would totally hate that loophole." Kim said with a smirk.

"See, there you go."

"I wonder what all this drama is about?" Kim asked. "How can any of this be legal or constitutional? Or, how can they be apparently be getting away with it out in the open?"

"That is exactly what we want to try and figure out. Unfortunately we don't have much of an escape plan anymore. And as Klink will always try and beat into our heads: nobody escapes from Alcatraz." Andi said with a sigh.

"And depending on who you ask, nobody ever has, given its history." Kim added.

"That doesn't exactly help us."

"I know...but I've escaped from many-an impossible places to escape from."

"But from this place though?" Andi asked.

"You are clearly forgetting Andi, anything is possible for a Possible."

"This is true. I guess if anyone can help us all escape from this hellhole is you."

"Yeah, but I guess for now, we just play the waiting game until they let us out of here." Kim added.

There was more silence for another moment or two.

"So uh...how exactly were you able to smuggle those matches inside to solitary anyway?"

"It's uh...it's better if you leave that to your imagination." Andi chuckled.

"Ew, sorry I asked."

The two then sat inside their cell, waiting to be let out. Tomorrow promised to be a new day, and it would be a day that would include much planning and skullduggery to get them out of prison and back to the free world.

But for Ron, it was still the same day. He waited back in the hotel room he was sharing with Kim, they got a pretty choice suite, considering the owner of that particular Hilton owed them a favor. One of the beautiful things about saving the world is a never ending pile of grateful people willing to give you nice things for saving their lives, livelihoods, etc…

Rufus was pacing around on the nightstand, looking over Ron's cellphone for any sign of life form Kim: text, tweet, voicemail—anything. He gave Ron a nervous shrug, and the boy wonder was starting to get a bit antsy.

"Don't worry little buddy. I'm sure Kim's fine. Even though we did leave her and Shego together, that usually spells disaster. But, you know what'll make us feel better? room service!"

Downstairs, and out back, a Rolls Royce pulled up behind the hotel, with the license plate appropriately read: Mnky Bdns...even though it was more than 7 characters. Three shady characters arose from the fancy-pants car.

The shady types, were none other than KP rogues: Monkey Fist, Duff Killigan, and Professor Dementor.

"Remind me again why we had to take my car?" Monkey Fist asked, looking at the back seat which was littered with snack bags and other trash.

"Because yours is the most comfortable." Duff added.

"Ja, und zee leather zeats provide exzellent lumbar zupport." Dementor explained.

Monkey Fist groaned. "Next time, we're renting."

The three wall crawled around the back wall to the kitchen, where the back door was open. A few cooks were out back having a smoke, unaware of the three crooks were scheming close by. Those poor suckers.

"Hoot man! This is almost too easy." Duff said, grabbing two nine irons from his golf bag back pack.

"Hoot man?" Dementor asked quizzically.

"Really Killigan, if you were any more Scottish you'd be eating a bowl of haggis and praising Nicola Sturgeon." Monkey Fist quipped.

"Hey! She is a smart and tenacious woman!" Killigan snapped.

"How about vee vocus on zee task at hand?" Dementor asked.

"Gladly." Monkey Fist smirked.

The three snuck up on the unsuspecting cooks, and after a small camera pan away from the violent action, we hear some grunts, cliched cartoon punching noises, and some horsed breathing. Panning back, we see our three villains now dressed as cooks.

"Oh, Karai Hochstetter sure knows how to pick assignments." Duff sighed.

"Vhat did we owe her vrom again?" Dementor asked.

"Who cares. Since our target is Ron Stoppable, it isn't exactly a painful labor." Monkey Fist said rubbing his hands together. Dementor and Duff looked at him puzzled.

"Ja, und who iz zhat, again?"

"What?"

"Yeah Monkey Fist, you just said we were supposed to clobber some guy named Ron Stoppable. Now, you know old Duff Killigan loves a proper beatdown as much as the next guy, but who is he?" Duff asked.

Monkey Fist did a facepalm. "Ugh, he's the buffoon."

"Ohhhhhhh." both men said having a eureka moment.

"Now vhy didn't you just zay zo?"

"Yeah. Kim Possible's sidekick, of course."

"Wow, he is right. I am the only one who remembers his name."

The three then sneaked into the back of the kitchen, but as they were, a female figure came into view under a street light, with a noir backdrop making her look perfectly obscure. She continued to follow the three from a distance.

The three bumbling villains listened in as many orders for room service were being called in and out. A runner dashed in, a perfectly strange cross between Jesse Eisenberg and Andy Samberg. He gave an order to the lead chef.

"Yo Ray-Ray!" the chef called to a line cook. "Gotta big order for you!"

"Whatcha got, Chef?"

"Twelve tacos, and four burritos, all "grande sized" or something. He seemed to be pretty adamant about that aspect. Extra cheese on everything."

"That's a lotta food. Where's it going to?" he asked.

"Room 203."

"Coming up."

The three smiled, knowing all too well who would order such an amount of Tex-Mex.

"You three!" The Chef called. "Get to work! I'm not paying yous to stand around with your dicks in one hand, and your pockets in the other! Help Ray-Ray with that order, let's go!"

The three went over to the line and helped with Ron's room service order. Dementor made it his business to spit in everything, while Monkey Fist added a special ingredient into the food. Ray-Ray took notice.

"Yo, what's that you're adding?"

"Hot sauce." Monkey Fist stated matter-of-factly.

"Really? That smells like strychnine."

"It's super hot." Duff added with an evil snicker.

"Aight."

The girl from earlier watched the evil deeds being performed. She was in her early twenties, pretty slender, sporting a brown leather overcoat, and matching fedora. She had long curly brown hair and brown eyes. The Chef took notice of her presence.

"Hey you! Employees only! Hit the road!" he called.

The girl, nodded and headed out of the kitchen, and into the hotel.

Later, the three 'cooks', were busy pushing Ron's order up to his room. Monkey Fist casually knocked on the door of 203, and put on his best English accent. "Room service." a few moments later, Ron answered the door, as Monkey Fist looked away, hoping Ron wouldn't recognize his disguise.

"Booyah!" Ron took a sniff of his food. "Oh yeah, it's no Bueno Nacho, but it'll do." Ron reached into his pocket, and put a stick of gum into Monkey Fist's hand. "Here you are, my good man. Keep it up, and there's plenty more where that came from." Ron took the food cart into his room, closing the door behind him.

"Someone's been watching _Home Alone 2_." Monkey Fist sighed, sticking the gum in his mouth.

"At least he didn't ztart chewing it virst." Dementor added.

"Ooh, wintergreen."

"We should be hearing him and his little weasel pet collapsing any second now." Duff mused, putting his ear against the door.

Ron wheeled the cart into the middle of his suite. It was a large room, complete with master bedroom, another smaller bedroom, kitchenette, master bath, and large living room. Ron rubbed his hands together. "Okay buddy, let's eat."

Ron grabbed one of the tacos, and slowly moved it closer to his mouth. HOWEVER, as luck would have it, the same female from before swung into Ron's open window, and quickly swatted the tacos out of his and Rufus's hands.

"Don't eat those!" she yelled.

"Hey, what's your damage!?" Ron snapped.

"Come with me if you want to live!" the girl added in a crappy Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

Outside, Dementor and Monkey Fist watched Duff. "Well?"

"Iz he gonzo yet?" Dementor asked.

"Ay, no! I hear the buffoon talking...there's someone else in there."

"Zhat vasn't part ov zee plan."

"It never is." Monkey Fist sighed.

Inside, Ron and Rufus studied the girl. "Seriously, what do you have against good cooking?" Ron asked.

"Nothing, except those tacos were poisoned!" she snapped. Now come, we haven't much time before-" She couldn't finish because Monkey Fist kicked the door open. "-Before that." she sighed.

"Hey, what gives? Don't like wintergreen?" Ron asked.

"No, it's quite refreshing." Monkey Fist added, blowing a bubble. "Except, she's right, they were poisoned." The three threw off their disguises.

"Monkey Fist!? Duff Killigan!? Professor Dementor!?"

"No, we're the Beastie Boys!" Duff snapped sarcastically.

"Ron, they're trying to kill you!" the girl added.

Ron shrugged. "Meh, I'm used to it."

Duff grabbed two clubs from his bag, Dementor pulled out some sort of ray gun, while Monkey Fist got in a fighting pose. "Ay, and we intend to complete this mission. So, if you're smart lassie you'll stay out of our way!"

"Fat chance!" she yelled

"Have it your way!"

You two take the girl! Stoppable is mine!" Monkey Fist insisted. "Any objections?" Ron and the girl both raised their hands. "I thought not."

Duff and Dementor went for the girl, while Monkey Fist backed Ron into the master bedroom. He kicked the boy genius right onto the bed. "I know I can't say this enough, but before we do this, I wanted to thank you for always remembering my name."

"It really isn't that hard to remember."

"That's what I've been saying!"

With the pleasantries out of the way, Monkey Fist knocked Ron into the room's stereo, and what should be playing but No Sleep Till Brooklyn. "Huh, that Beastie Boys reference was pretty good timing." Monkey Fist shrugged.

Ron responded by giving Monkey Fist a few combos to the face, a permanent remember that Ron may be a klutz, but a klutz who knows him some Monkey Kung-fu. Monkey Fist knocked Ron back into the wall, and Ron jumped up onto Monkey Fist's back, grabbing his hands, and slapping him in the face.

"Why you hitting yourself-why you hitting yourself?"

"I hate you!" he shouted.

The girl was having herself a bit of luck, knocking the food cart into Dementor, and knocking his ray gun away, while knocking him into the wall. She was then able to knock Duff with his own club, after he attempted to swing at her.

With all three mildly incapacitated, she called to Ron. "Ron, we gotta move, now!"

"Don't have to tell me twice!"

"Actually, this is probably the third time, but whatever." She reminded him.

Ron left a humiliated Monkey Fist, while, he, Rufus, and the girl dashed out into the hallway, with the villains staggering out after them. "I zhought zhis vould be a pieze ov cake!" Dementor screamed.

"Yes Dementor, none of us saw the Ingrid Bergman-type coming." Monkey Fist added.

Ron and the girl, both a bit bloody from their fight dashed to the elevator, making it just in time before the three could charge after them.

"Come on, they're headed for the lobby!" Duff shouted.

"No, I thought they'd go to the roof?" Monkey Fist quipped with his brand of sarcasm.

"Hey, don't get snippy with me, because the buffoon gave you the beatdown."

Ron and Rufus were clearly out of breath as they watched the girl. She pulled out a massive. .44 Magnum revolver from a shoulder holster. All eyes were on her, maybe she could give Kim a run for her money in the ass-kicking department.

"So, uh...Ron Stoppable, this is Rufus."

"I know who you are. You're Kim Possible's sidekick."

"Well, rarely does anyone get my name right, so you'll have to excuse my cynicism….am I using that right?"

"My name is Roxanne Valencia. I'm a detective with the San Francisco Police Department. And I'm afraid you've just inadvertently gotten yourself involved in a major conspiracy." she explained.

"What? With those guys? They're just villains Kim and I face every day, no big."

"They're just pawns. They probably know about as much as you do." Roxanne added. The elevator dinged. "Come on."

She grabbed a confused Ron by the arm and pulled him into the lobby, where the three rogues just entered from a nearby stairwell. "There they are!" Monkey Fist yelled.

"How about we go back to the basics!" Duff grabbed a Tommy gun from his golf bag.

"Vhere in zee vorld did you get zhat?" Dementor asked.

"More importantly, where was that firepower when we needed it FIVE BLOODY MINUTES AGO!?" Monkey Fist fumed.

"Hey, you win some, you lose some." Duff responded.

"Aw crud." Ron gulped.

Ron and Roxanne Jumped behind a few couches in the lobby as Duff sprayed the lobby with an Al Capone-sized hail of bullets as the patrons and employees scattered. After it was clear he was out, Roxanne rose from her hiding spot and fired at the three rogues, enough for them to hide as well.

"Come on!"

They rushed out of the hotel, and ran over to Roxanne's awaiting car, a burgundy Porsche 911. Roxanne slid on the hood of the car and jumped in, with Ron and Rufus following her in the passenger's seat. They quickly drove away.

"Aw hell, they're getting away!"

"Oh really Killigan? What alerted you? Was it the ear piercing shriek of the tires, or the faint aroma of burning rubb-"

"Ay, can the sarcasm Monkey Fist, and just get yer girly car!"

Roxanne and Ron sped away, seemingly out of sight of the rogues. Roxanne tossed Ron her pistol. Ron was quick to notice the gold calligraphy inscription of 'Dirty Harry' on the barrel. "Here, hold this." she said.

"Oh sure, I'll just hold your hand cannon, hoping it doesn't explode in my hand."

"It's empty Ron. Be a lamb and reload it for me, will ya? I got some bullets in the glove compartment."

Rufus opened up said glove compartment which was filled to the brim with a few more pistols, and an armory of bullets.

"Lovely, more guns."

"Yeah, I should probably clean that out. I write the caliber on all of them, load it with the ones marked '.44' on them. It's my own little system." Roxanne explained.

"Yeah, and how do I-"

Roxanne sighed, and opened up the cylinder on the gun, and the empty bullet casings fell out. "The pointy end goes in first."

"Yeah-yeah, I know that much, I play Call of Duty." Ron snarked. He stuck his tongue out at Roxanne and spun the cylinder, then throwing it back into place.

"Sure, you know the cool cylinder-spiny trick, but you don't know how to open one up."

"Hey! I'm having a stressful day, alright? Kim—my girlfriend is missing, three villains, only one of which who remembers my name are trying to kill me, and on top of all that, I got snarky-McSherlock giving me the business!"

"Ooh, McSherlock. I'm totally gonna use that."

"Are you listening to me?" Ron asked.

Before Roxanne could respond, she saw the suspicious Rolls Royce in her rearview. "Hold that thought, Bogey at five—no, six o'clock."

"And now we're in the Air Force." Ron sighed to Rufus as though he was being ignored.

"How can they afford a Rolls Royce?" Roxanne asked.

"Monkey Fist has deep pockets. And you have a Porsche, what are you complaining about?" Ron asked.

"...It's my dad's, shut-up. Oh, on a related note, we can't get a scratch on this thing." Roxanne warned. "He thinks I'm just working late—I mean, I am, but you get the idea."

"Man this day's been crazy." Ron sighed.

"Relax, Ronnie. I can handle this."

Roxanne stuck her cannon out the window and fired at Monkey Fist's car. After firing a few shots, she did a Tokyo drift at an intersection and shot out his two front tires. "That that, Monkey bitch!" she yelled.

"That's Monkey Fist you harebrained harpy!"

"Yeah well...you're a jerkface! So there!" Roxanne yelled as she and Ron drove away. "Nailed it."

"Leave the insults to me Roxy—can I call you Roxy?" Ron asked.

"Sure, why not."

The two drove to a parking structure a few blocks away with the hapless villains still on their tail, despite the shot out tires. Roxanne drove up to the third floor to a spot marked 'Nico Valencia'. "How are they still chasing us?" Roxanne asked.

"Yeah, you know how I mentioned that Monkey Fist has deep pockets...and is kind of a villain?"

"Yes, I do seem to recall."

"Well, he would be smart enough and bad enough to invest in roll-flat tires." Ron explained.

"Bastard! Why must villains always be one step ahead?"

"So, they don't go to jail?"

"...Good point."

The three exited from the car, just as the Rolls Royce pulled up in front of them, though a bit scratched up, and having what looks like part of a tree tangled up in the front grill. Monkey Fist, Duff, and Dementor emerged angrily from the car.

"You're gonna pay for my car, girl!"

"If you'll forward your grievance with form I-406-r, the SFPD will be happy to reimburse you for your loss." Roxanne said a bit nervously.

"I meant you'll pay with your life!"

"I was afraid you'd say that." she sighed. "But, we kicked ass once, we'll kick it again, right Ron?"

"Yeah, sure! I do love kicking me some ass." he added more nervously.

"Zhat buffoon couldn't kick mein ass if it vere shtapled to eine wall." Dementor mused. He grabbed his ray gun, and fired two blasts, hitting Ron and Roxanne.

It was a red goop, which stuck the two sleuths to the wall, there was nothing they could do to escape. Roxanne had dropped her Magnum. Monkey Fist picked it up and noticed the 'Dirty Harry' inscription. He pointed it at the two.

"You feeling lucky, punks?" he asked in a crappy Clint Eastwood impression. "How was that?"

"Meh." Duff shrugged.

"Heh-heh, would uh-now be a good time to read you guys your Miranda rights? You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or-"

"-Nein! You have zee right to zhut your vaze!" Dementor chuckled a she fired another blast at Roxanne's mouth, muffling her.

"Oh come on guys. It's clearly me you want, leave Roxy alone." Ron begged.

"Fat chance, Stoppable."

The three villains emerged closer. Rufus was able to free himself from Ron's pocket. The little guy leaped into action, jumping onto Dementor's face, scratching whatever he could underneath his helmet.

"Ack! Zee veasel iz on mein vaze! Get him ov! Get him ov!"

"Hold still!" Duff went to swat Rufus with one of his clubs only to miss and hit himself in the face. "Oy, I'm really bad at this."

Rufus then tripped up a confused Monkey Fist. Rufus dropped to the floor, and pressed a 'release' button on Dementor's ray gun, and the goop instantly melted on Ron and Roxanne.

"Atta boy, little buddy!" Rufus then jumped back onto Ron's shoulder.

"Come, this is where my Dad's spot is anyway, we can take the bus to my house, it isn't far!"

"But, what about-"

"Don't worry about that, we haven't much time, let's go!"

As the three ran past the incapacitated villains, Roxanne grabbed her gun and they headed out of the parking structure. A bus was about to pass, and the two slammed on the front door as it slowed down. Ron and Roxanne piled in and took their seats in the very back. The bus drove away.

As they rode away, Ron and Roxanne looked at one another, then with blank faces they looked forward as The Sound of Silence started to play over the radio.

**And with that parody of the ending to _The Graduate_, that'll do it for this chapter. Alright, so maybe it wasn't as controversial as I had thought, but the conspiracy stuff is coming. I hoped you enjoyed the comedy and fight sequences as there are more of those to come. Please review and get ready for more!**

**Cheers!**


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